I had the most natural epidural birth ever.

I was quite certain I’d have this baby natural. Not because I was against an epidural or that I wanted to know what it was like having a baby naturally. It was the anxiety. I was not in control of what could happen during an epidural.

You know people can get paralyzed when they get an epidural. They have, I’m quite certain I googled that. And they have died. I’m certain someone has died during an epidural, I read that on the internet too. Certainty is what I needed.

The uncertainty of the epidural kept me away until I hit a solid 8 during labor. It’s a funny thing how pain can take away any anxiety in moment’s notice. That shit hurt. 

Just give me the epidural NOW so I can have this baby safely. But it’s also funny how anxiety can push past the pain too. The epidural didn’t take and it was time to get this baby out before she wasn’t ok. 

I was so glad to feel my feet and everything else, even after the epidural. I wasn’t paralyzed like I’d read could happen. But I also needed to see my baby. This shit hurt like hell. But I wanted that baby out, safe and crying, in my arms. 

So I pushed like hell and she came into this world. Not crying. And not into my arms. They surrounded her and took her vitals. Why wasn’t she crying? That was the longest 7 minutes of my life wondering what I had done wrong and why she wasn’t crying. Panic.

Everyone told me she was fine. But anxiety wouldn’t let me believe that. Why wasn’t she in my arms? Why wasn’t she crying yet?

And then, she was placed in my arms. Time stopped. And so did the anxiety.

The overwhelming sense of love and calmness replaced the panic-stricken anxiety. It was a love that I’d never known. And a feeling I’d never felt. I wanted to feel that feeling forever. In that moment my heart felt so warm and full. I’d have a million babies to replicate the feeling I felt at that moment.