The best way to learn a lesson
“Can we have ice cream?” my kids begged just as I was leaving for work this morning.
“Maybe. If you can get along and not be assholes to eachother”
Okay, I didn’t say assholes, but I was thinking it.
They’d lost the ice cream they begged for yesterday, because they were complete assholes to each other. I got a million texts (because that’s how we parent when we’re at work) complaining about the other sibling being an asshole.
Today was a new day, so “If you’re good today, you can have ice cream when I get home.”
We do our best parenting with bribes. Lots of times bribes through text messages.
Things were going along swimmingly, as I received my first text of the day from my son, at lunchtime, “We made bagel pizzas for lunch”
Yay! Awesome, great job! These kids are turning into responsible adults, who can make themselves lunch.
And then a text from my daughter.
<insert picture of strawberries, chocolate sauce and a huge pile of spray whipped cream>
Shit!
I immediately grabbed the phone and called her.
Daughter: Hello
Me: Have you eaten that yet?!
Daughter: Maaaaaaaybe.
Me: For real, have you eaten it?
Daughter: Maaaaaybe.
Me: YES. OR. NO!
Daughter: Yes, we shared it.
Me: That’s nice you shared it. But, you can’t just get stuff out of the fridge without asking. I didn’t even know that was in there! It’s old.
Yes I realize how ridiculous this sounds. Maybe I need to clean the fridge out, but also, maybe you need to stop judging me.
Daughter: It says best by August.
Son: the chocolate syrup has probably been in there for 2 years.
Me: Hmm, I’m sure it’s fine then, just don’t eat anymore of it.
Clearly these kids haven’t learned that even if it has a Best By date, there’s the rule of “must be eaten in so many days after you open it” rule. So you must Google how long something is good before you eat it, if it’s already been opened. That’s the rule!
My brain is thinking back to the last time we had that damn aerosol-canned whipped cream… Hmm, probably January for birthdays, it’s now May.
Google: How long does opened aerosol-canned whipped cream last?
Answer: 7 days.
Greaaaaaaaat. It’s been at least 100 days past that. And I’m currently eating a severely undercooked salted caramel and chocolate chip cookie from Arby’s, while I google. We’re probably all gonna get the shits.
Maybe they’ll learn a lesson.
Maybe I’ll lose some weight.
Probably not, though, because right before my daughter hung up the phone she asked, “So, can we still have ice cream?”
Sure. If you’re not doubled over in the bathroom puking your aerosol-canned whipped cream out, by the time I get home from work. Gotta go, love you, make sure you get along and don’t be assholes to each other.
