I don’t need therapy.
I don’t need therapy. I’m not weak. I can handle everything on my own. But, I started therapy anyway, just to see if this therapist had any other tips to help me get rid of this anxiety. But only a few tips, because, clearly, I was handling my anxiety just fine. You know, by pretending it wasn’t there. And smiling a lot. And staying up at night overthinking. And worrying everyone hated me and my kids were going to die. And seeking reassurance from everyone around me that I was a good mom. And by telling myself what a bad mom I was. Everything WAS FINE.
Spoiler alert: therapy didn’t get rid of my anxiety. Turns out therapy doesn’t do that (because you can’t get rid of anxiety, you just learn ways to cope with it), but it did teach me things I never knew I needed, like how much I actually needed therapy. Who knew?
Starting therapy
I started therapy before I had almost a quarter of a million followers on Instagram. Turns out it’s sorta hard having a platform with lots of followers. It’s even harder being anxious and having a platform with lots of followers. So, it’s a damn good thing I was already in therapy before this happened.
When anyone responds to something I’ve said (on social media or in real life) and I feel like it challenges/judges me as a mom, my inner voice throws the first punch. Lemme give you an example:
If I said, “I love my daughter’s beautiful heart and amazing red hair. I love my son’s passionate drive and competitive nature.”
And someone responded, “you shouldn’t describe your daughter based on her looks and your son based on his personality. It sets a bad precedent to girls in general, like the only important thing about them is how they look.”
My inner voice would say “Don’t respond. Conflict is bad. They’re right, you are a bad mom.” I would get angry (silently) and pretend the conversation didn’t happen. And then for days (maybe even months) I would replay the comment over and over in my head, thinking about how I could change things so that one person wouldn’t think I was a bad mom. And then I would feel guilty for being a bad mom.
During therapy
After almost 3 years of therapy and a million similar conversations, I can actually tell you word-for-word how this conversation would go between me and my therapist. This conversation never actually happened, but I’m pretty certain this is how it would go:
Me: So this bitch said I shouldn’t describe my daughter like this and my son like this…
Therapist: First, you need to tell that person to stop shoulding on you! Second, YOU can ONLY be responsible for what YOU say and how YOU respond. YOU can NOT be responsible for what other people hear/interpret from the things you say.
Me: I know. You’re right, but it makes me feel like a bad mom.
Therapist: I want you to look at the evidence: Did that person actually say, “you are a bad mom?”
Me: No. Buuuuuuut…
Therapist: No buts, evidence only. If that person said “you are a potato” would that make you a potato?
Me: Like a real potato? Or does potato stand for something else, like a metaphor. And you’re saying potato instead of bad mom.
After therapy
I have learned that me responding defensively (to myself or to that person) to a comment that I “think” challenges/judges me as a mother, doesn’t help anything. I learned that my defensiveness is only stemming from an insecurity on my part. It is not evidence that I am in fact a bad mom.
So, before responding, I might want to challenge that insecurity and my inner voice by saying, “No one said you are a bad mom. You are not a bad mom (and you’re not a potato either). This person was giving his/her opinion, which he/she is entitled to. You can choose to respond, but you won’t be able to change anyone else’s opinion of you. The only person’s opinion you can change of you, is yours.”
Me: Good talk, inner voice. I’ll bet my therapist would be proud. I should send her this post. I mean, I WILL send her this. She wouldn’t want me shoulding on myself.
