Anxiety hangovers are the worst
Yesterday was the worst. So bad I decided the best thing to do was write about it.
My 3-year-old was a millisecond away from getting hit in the parking lot at daycare. And it was my fault.
Enter my biggest anxiety trigger: My kids getting hurt/dying and it being my fault.
I’m the worst mom ever.
My biggest fear had been triggered and I couldn’t stop my mind from spiraling through the what if’s.
And, if you’ve never been caught in an anxiety spiral, everything is so real, it may as well have happened. I kept picturing the millisecond too late. And replaying how I would tell my husband. And then the kids. And how I would never ever forgive myself. And no one else would either. The guilt was so heavy, I couldn’t think.
Which led to the tears/holding back tears because no one can see me cry at work (and that’s exhausting while trying to function at work).
I thought about leaving work, picking up my 3-year-old, and calling it a day. But, why? So I could be a failure at work too. Sure go ahead and leave work because something almost happened. But it didn’t. Nothing happened. Yet all I can think about is leaving work.
I’m the worst employee ever.
But that’s the thing, when one of your biggest fear almost happens (even though it didn’t happen), it’s too late, the brain is triggered like it did happen and the spiral begins.
Luckily, I have an awesome therapist who has given me a mental toolbox of ways to cope so I don’t end up hyperventilating or leaving work for the day. And if I’m caught too deep in the spiral and can’t remember how to open that toolbox, she’s only a text away, to remind me:
“Try to bring your thoughts to the present moment. What is happening right now, what can you hear, see, smell or taste. Whenever your anxiety tries to take you down the rabbit hole of “what if” try to bring it back to the present. Also practice the 4-7-8 breathing.”
When I got home I was exhausted because anxiety hangovers are the worst.
Or, maybe they’re actually the best, because that means the spiral is over.
