I’ll just pretend I’m a good mom, while I’m working.

Dropping my baby off at daycare really drove home how much of a failure I was. I pretty much wasn’t even a mom. My baby would now spend more hours in a day with strangers than with her own mom.

Awake. ah ha! Not asleep. I counted the hours she’d be at home vs the time she’d be at daycare, even if it was asleep.

45 hours at daycare.
168 hours at home.

Even though she’s asleep a lot of that time, I’m still a good mom, right? I was keeping score to make sure. Good mom, one point.

She was still waking at night. So the nighttimes were mine. Those teachers didn’t get the nighttimes or the sick times. But that made me feel resentful. Why did I only get the nighttimes and the sick times?

Hell, she wouldn’t even be sick if she didn’t go to daycare. Remove good mom point.

Why is this so hard?

And the weekends were even harder. I spent most of the time counting the hours until work would start again and I’d have to send her off to daycare.

I hated this so much and I couldn’t figure out why.

I’d see other moms going back to work after having babies and they didn’t seem mad. Or sad. They actually seemed happy… how were they happy?

Well, maybe I am a little happy at work. I do like the people at work. I laugh when I’m at work. But, if I tell anyone I’m happy at work, will that make me a bad mom?

More questions… If others are happy at work and they’re not bad moms, why was I a bad mom when I went to work?

So, I compromised with myself. What if I go to work, but I’m home for the milestones. Yes, that’s good. I’m a good mom then.

“She’s so close to walking!” They’d tell me at daycare.

So I made damn sure she walked first, at home, for me. Then I’d mentally mark it down.

Good mom, one point.
Bad mom, a million points.

I was at least making a move in the right direction. Until a milestone happened at daycare. I kept the tally up until I had a second kid and it was time to go to daycare.

That’s when I decided it was just easier to pretend I was a good mom while I worked. Keeping score was exhausting and I’d never catch up, so I will just pretend I am a good mom.